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| What to do, what to do.
I thought I knew what you wanted. I have no clue. Is this enough for you? It shouldn't be. It is NOT enough for me. Why can't you make up your mind? Stop jerking me around.
The lines are blurred. Which side are you on?
Is it mine?
Frustratingly,
Marisa
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| Easter: the Lord has risen and I feel him so close to me. In my heart. Ruler of my soul. I never knew how far I'd fallen until I started lifting myself back up. So far. He was not the most important. Far from it. I worshiped false gods. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Cliched. But more than true.
I could not have found Him again without you. I'd always been drawn to those who were struggling, broken in some way. You are not. It took me this long to discover that I was the broken one. You brought me closer to God. And thus healed my broken heart. You did not even know it but you pushed me, are pushing me, to be better than I am. I cannot thank you enough. Maybe some day you will know how much you've done for me.
I know the truth. So obvious and, yet, it alluded me. No one can love me more than Him. No one has fought for me more than Him. No one desires me more than Him. I need look no further. He died for me. My sins. If I had been the only being who would have been denied paradise, he would have suffered. Drank to the dregs the chalice of pain and sorrow. One lost sheep. It will never cease to amaze me. He has forgiven me. No reproach. Only love. So pure and unfathomable. Unconditional. I'm unworthy, but I am trying to be with Him. And he is striving to pull me towards His breast as well.
Help me to never turn back from this.
Please God, let me only move forward.
Let me remember this.
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| I'm afraid of losing something that I don't even have! How crazy is that? He is NOT mine. Why should I be tormented by the thought of losing him?
I watched Amelie recently.. I can totally relate. She keeps the boy at bay. Her fantasy is better than reality. If they mix, the fantasy is lost. It cannot be regained. But you see, the thing with Amelie is that her reality turned out amazingly.
I doubt mine will.
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| Excerpts from Le Petit Prince:
"You're lovely, but you're empty," he went on. "One couldn't die for you. Of course an ordinary passerby would think my rose looked just like you. But my rose, all on her own, is more important than you altogether, since she's the one I've watered. Since she's the one I put under glass. Since she's the one I sheltered behind a screen. Since she's the one for whom I killed the caterpillars (except for two or three for butterflies). Since she's the one I listened to when she complained, or when she boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing at all. Since she's my rose."
"Nothing's perfect," sighed the fox. "My life is monotonous. I hunt chickens; people hunt me. All chickens are just alike, and all men are just alike. So I'm rather bored. But if you tame me, my life will be filled with sunshine. I'll know the sound of footsteps that will be different from all the rest. Other footsteps send me back underground. Yours will call me out of my burrow like music. And then, look! You see the wheat fields over there? I don't eat bread. For me, wheat is no use whatever. Wheat fields say nothing to me. Which is sad. But you have hair the color of gold. So it will be wonderful, once you've tamed me! The wheat, which is golden, will remind me of you. And I'll love the sound of the wind in the wheat..."
I'm ready for it again. I want my own flower. Separate from the thousands of others..
I want to be reminded of you when the wind moves through the wheat. (Well, not the wheat per say..)
Please tame me.
"You risk tears if you let yourself be tamed. "
Ris
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| I randomly decided to check out my xanga tonight..
So glad that I did. Reminiscing. Lost thoughts. Tragic and happy. It's difficult to remember how you feel at certain times in your life.. as in three years ago. I'm glad we have these modern diaries to hold those precious moments and preserve them.
Ris
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